At QueerPsych, we’re committed to creating affirming spaces where all people, especially those in the 2SLGBTQIA+ community, can show up as their full, authentic selves. One of the simplest and most powerful ways we do this is by honoring people’s pronouns.
Pronouns are words we use to refer to someone without using their name, like she, he, or they. While they may seem small, pronouns carry a lot of meaning. When we use the correct pronouns for someone, we’re not just being polite, we’re affirming their identity, acknowledging their experience, and helping create a more inclusive world.
What Is Gender Identity?
Gender identity is someone’s internal understanding of their own gender. It’s how a person experiences themselves, which might align with the sex they were assigned at birth or it might not.
Some people identify as male or female. Others identify as both, neither, or outside of the gender binary entirely. For transgender, nonbinary, genderfluid, agender, and other gender-expansive individuals, gender identity may not fit traditional expectations.
Your gender identity is yours alone. And the language you use to describe yourself, your name, pronouns, and labels (or lack thereof), is part of your truth.
Understanding the Link Between Pronouns and Identity
Pronouns are one of the ways people express their gender identity, but they’re not always a perfect reflection of it. For example:
- A nonbinary person may use they/them pronouns
- A transgender man might use he/him
- A genderfluid person might use she/they or switch between sets depending on the day
- Someone might use no pronouns at all, asking you to refer to them only by name
It’s also important to remember that someone’s pronouns aren’t up for debate, nor are they based on how they “look.” You can’t tell someone’s pronouns just by looking at them. That’s why the best practice is to ask and then respect what’s shared.
Don’t Assume, Ask and Listen
One of the most common ways people feel invalidated is when others make assumptions about their gender or pronouns. These assumptions can be especially harmful for the queer community, individuals who already face increased rates of discrimination.
Instead of assuming,
- Ask someone what pronouns they use.
- Share your own first, which sets the tone and makes it easier for others to follow.
- Use gender-neutral language until you’re sure (e.g., “they” instead of “he” or “she”).
Example: “Hi, I’m Sami and I use she/her pronouns. How about you?”
This small shift in conversation can make a big difference in making someone feel safe, seen, and respected.
Mistakes Happen
You might misgender someone by accident or forget their pronouns, especially if they’re new to you. What’s most important is how you respond afterwards.
- Acknowledge your mistake
- Apologize
- Correct yourself, and keep going
Example: “He—sorry, they—are leading the meeting today.”
Avoid over-apologizing or making it about your discomfort. A short, sincere correction communicates that you care and are trying. If you realize the mistake later, a simple private apology can also go a long way.
Using Neutral Language When You’re Unsure
When you haven’t had a chance to ask someone about their pronouns or if they haven’t shared, you can default to gender-neutral language:
- Use they/them instead of he or she.
- Say “everyone,” “folks,” or “y’all” instead of “ladies and gentlemen”
- Try “parent” instead of “mom” or “dad,” or “partner” instead of “boyfriend/girlfriend”
Gender-Inclusive Language in Spanish
Spanish, like many languages, has gendered grammar. Most nouns and adjectives end in –o (masculine) or –a (feminine).
For gender inclusivity:
- Many people use -e as a gender-neutral alternative:
Amigo (male) → Amigue (neutral)
Bienvenido or Bienvenida → Bienvenide - The pronoun elle is often used as a neutral alternative to él or ella.
- Some also use symbols like @ (ex., tod@s) or x (ex. todxs) in writing to avoid gendered language, though these forms can be less accessible for screen readers.
Ways to Be More Inclusive With Pronouns
Creating a culture of respect takes practice—but there are so many simple ways to start:
- Introduce yourself with your pronouns: “Hi, I’m Sami. I use she/her pronouns.”
- Add your pronouns to your email signature, Zoom name, or name tag.
- Use inclusive group greetings: “friends,” “team,” “y’all,” “everyone” (instead of “guys” or “ladies and gentlemen”)
- Normalize asking about pronouns: “Before we get started, I’d love for everyone to share their name and pronouns, if they’re comfortable.”
- Respect privacy. Never pressure someone to share their pronouns or out someone without consent. Sharing is always optional.
- Keep practicing. Language is always evolving, and so are we. The effort matters.
Why It Matters
For many 2SLGBTQIA+ people, especially youth, being misgendered can lead to feelings of invisibility, invalidation, and distress. According to The Trevor Project, affirming someone’s identity, including using their correct pronouns, has a powerful impact on mental health. It’s linked to lower rates of depression, anxiety, and suicide risk.
Using the right pronouns is a small act with a big ripple effect. It tells people: I see you. I respect you. You belong here.
Keep Learning, Keep Practicing
Whether you’re just getting started or already familiar with gender-inclusive language, we all have room to grow. The key is showing up with curiosity, humility, and a willingness to learn.
Let’s continue building spaces that affirm, uplift, and reflect the diversity of all identities. Let’s practice sharing our pronouns, listening when others share theirs, and correcting ourselves with grace when we slip up.
Together, we can make inclusion the norm, not the exception.
Sources
The Trevor Project: A Guide to Being an Ally to Transgender and Nonbinary Youth
Cosmopolitan: What AFAB and AMAB Mean
UNESCO Gender-Inclusive Language in Spanish Guide
APA Inclusive Language Guidelines
