The holiday season is often painted as a time of joy, warmth, and family togetherness. However, for many in the Queer community, this time of year can be fraught with anxiety, stress, and emotional exhaustion.
As someone who has navigated the complexities of family gatherings during the depths of an eating disorder, clinical depression, and subsequently during my recovery journey, I do really understand how challenging this time of year can be.
Not to mention that seasonal depression season is upon us during some of the most emotionally taxing experiences of the year, so keep that in mind too.
The Reality of Family Gatherings
For many Queer people, family gatherings are often a minefield of misgendering comments, deadnaming, intrusive questions about “lifestyle choices,” or uncomfortable silences around our identities. In fact, many of us may not be out to our families yet, which quickly adds an extra layer of stress as we navigate these interactions. Others might face outright rejection or hostility for just showing up as themselves. It’s crucial to acknowledge that these difficulties are real and valid.
Coping Strategies for Family Gatherings
If you are planning to spend time with your family this holiday season, here are a list of some strategies that might help you as you navigate that:
- Set clear boundaries: Decide in advance what topics you’re comfortable discussing and what behaviors you won’t tolerate. Communicate these boundaries clearly ahead of time and again on that day and stick to them.
- Create a support system: If possible, bring a friend or chosen family member with or or have them on standby for text support or emergency calls if things get too tough.
- Practice self-care: In addition to family gatherings, make sure to also plan activities that bring you joy and peace, whether it’s a morning cup of coffee, a quick walk outside, a meditation practice, or sneaking away to read a book. (I for one never go anywhere without my kindle)
- Develop an exit strategy beforehand: Have a plan for how you’ll leave if things become too overwhelming. This might mean driving separately or having a friend ready to “emergency” pick you up.
- Focus on positive connections: If possible, try to spend more time with the family members who feel the most supportive or plan to engage specifically in activities you enjoy.
Alternative Holiday Ideas
Sometimes, the healthiest choice is to create new traditions away from your biological family. Here are some alternatives if you’re thinking you might want to go down that path:
- Chosen family gatherings: Host a “Queer Friendsgiving” or holiday party with your friends and allies. I wrote another blog post about how I would host a Queer Friendsgiving and you can find that here.
- Solo celebrations: Treat yourself, and only yourself, to a day of self-care, favorite foods, and activities you love.
- Volunteer: Many organizations need extra help during the holidays. Giving back can provide a sense of purpose and community, especially if the loneliness is starting to kick in.
- Travel or find new experiences: Use the time off to explore a new place or try something you’ve always wanted to do.
Remember, Friend…
Whatever you’re feeling about the seasonal holidays is valid. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, anxious, or whatever hard emotions are coming up for you. It’s also okay to feel happy and excited, even if your relationship with your family is complicated. You’re not alone in these struggles. Many in our community face similar challenges during this time of year.
If you’re finding it particularly difficult to cope with either seeing your family or spending the season alone, then don’t hesitate to reach out for more specialized, professional help. There are so many amazing therapists who work in the community and can provide valuable support and strategies. QueerPsych is great resource to find more information about LGBTQ-affirming therapists.
Final Thoughts on Navigating Family Gatherings Around the Holidays
Navigating any family relationships during the holidays can be incredibly challenging for Queer folks, periodt. Whether you choose to attend family gatherings armed with coping strategies or create your own traditions, remember that your mental health and well-being should be the priority. The goal is always for you to feel safe, respected, and celebrated for who you are.
So, as we enter into this holiday season, I wish you the space to have moments of joy, peace, and authentic connection – whatever that looks like for you.
Remember, you are valid, you are worthy, and you are not alone.
If you’re looking for other articles I’ve written for QueerPsych, you can find them here! Or, if you want to talk more about this topic, I’d be happy to chat with you in my DMs on Instagram. You can find me at @thefriendineverwanted.
