I have been stuck on “Defying Gravity” for the past three weeks and I couldn’t quite put my green finger on it until recently. I felt a strong sense of connection with Elphaba’s character, prior to her singing Defying Gravity. Originally, I resonated with the sense of being isolated, shamed, and dejected for my skin color and sexuality. However, it felt like there was a deeper resonance, on a soulful level. And I was right.
Nobody is ever gonna bring me down.
This past week I was in therapy working with my parts recently experienced some harm. She invited me to spend time with a part of me that had been helping me to numb from this experience to protect me. My therapist then asked me “What does that part of you want you to know?” I was in awe when this part of me repeated the lyrics of Defying Gravity when Cynthia chants “and no one, in all of Oz, no Wizard that there is or was, is ever gonna bring me down.” And BOOM! Just like that, there were a rush of emotions that flooded my body as I realized that a part of me that also felt like it had to protect me from the harm of people, within a ‘wicked’ society, which shared the same sense of self-protection in Elphaba’s inner system.
Stay with me.
My inner world was deeply sensitive to rejection, hurt, and shame for YEARS, and I often digested the words from others and felt they defined me. I am wrong. I am bad. I am not enough as I am. Throughout this process, there had always been a part of me in the background that witnessed my self-degradation become my sense of identity. It was only when I started to heal, by diving deeper inside myself to ask, “How did I come to believe that their words were true,” that I unleashed a part of me that wanted to ensure that I would never be brought down again. Again, Defying Gravity.
Finding my Wicked Self-Esteem
Just like Elphaba, I was never Wicked, but rather made to believe that I was. This was a straight shot to my self-esteem and heart, and I became what I thought I was: an outcast. I desired to change, wishing to be straight, lighter skinned, and girlier presenting, but clearly that was not possible or at least not sustainable for happiness. I mean, I was very dark chocolate skinned, loved the same gender, and could not break away from a hoodie, jumpsuit, or sneakers. In Defying Gravity, Elphaba says “I can’t want it, anymore” and this was the beginning of her realization that to be authentic and genuine within herself, she must not assimilate to what the world wanted of her. I felt that DEEPLY.
Our self-esteem can often be gift wrapped into the perspectives and judgments of others. For example, I am lovable because I show up in ways that they want me to be. I am confident because others praise me for doing “good” things. I am capable because they are accepting of my gifts. Ultimately, I am because they say I am. This is a slippery slope toward “Wicked Self-esteem.” Although I can’t coin this term, I believe that it is a play on two meanings. Wicked, in a colloquial way, means exciting, cool, and awesome. However, wicked can also mean bad/evil, disgraceful, and appalling. In Wicked the Musical, we saw this meaning exemplified in multiple ways, not just for Elphaba, but also many other characters, such as Glinda, Fiyero, and even Mr. Wizard of Oz.
Finding Your Own Wicked Self-Esteem
The beautiful part of one’s self-esteem is that the first part begins with the Self, which is in you. Esteem is focused on a sense of being highly favorable and/or met with admiration. Let that work begin with and inside of you. If you’re wanting to begin to dive deeper inside, I invite you to reflect on some of the following:
What do you like about yourself? It’s okay if you need more time to reflect on this.
If this feels challenging, slow down to notice if an inner critic is present. These parts of you often focus on your flaws and challenges first. If you notice this, simply acknowledge that it is there and see if this part of you is willing to give you some space to better understand the full breadth of who you are.
What do you believe about yourself? How did you come to believe this about yourself? Was it your choice or were these beliefs placed onto you?
This is where we can begin to dive deeper on if there is “Wicked Self-esteem” at work. If you hold beliefs that don’t belong to you, imagine giving yourself some separation from them for a moment. You can imagine yourself placing them in a box, or even blowing away like dust, or Oz dust that is (if you know, you know).
What would you like to believe about yourself?
Spend time noticing how this feels in your body, mind, and spirit. You are planting a seed or watering a seed that was planted inside you long, long ago.
You are good.
I invite you, in any way that feels right for you and your parts, to lean further inside yourself to see who needs connection, support, and defying gravity. There is an unlimited love inside you, but sometimes it needs help being accessed. Remember this, you are deeply loved and worthwhile. insert Cynthia’s battle cry
