Hey friends! In today's blog post, we are talking about how I can see in hindsight that my initial fear of talking with my therapists about my sex life and BDSM experiences was due to my own fear of rejection and not based on my therapists' inability to hold space for me and my life experiences.

It wasn't until I was in college that I, for the first time, sought out therapy on my own and wanted to be there. I had been in therapy as a kid, but as an adult, I made the choice to seek out a therapist to begin working through the traumatic events I'd had previously in my life.

What I've now come to realize is that the trauma I experienced, as well as growing up in a family that was very progressive but didn't openly hold space for talking about sexual experiences, led me to feel like my desires for sexual relationships and my feelings were wrong, overwhelming, shameful, and too much for anyone to handle. So, even when it came to sharing about these things in therapy, which was one of the safest places I had ever been in, I was far too afraid to actually talk about it.

The fear of being shamed for my sexual needs and desires was overwhelming, but not due to anything my therapist ever did. 

One thing that I've come to realize now is that my fear of talking about my sexual experiences and desires was ultimately about my fear of rejection and judgment from previous experiences--not due to anything my therapists themselves had done. 

Each of the therapists I have seen throughout my adult life have all been open, nonjudgemental, and accepting in their own ways. I have been lucky enough that the therapists I have worked with have not done anything to make me feel unsafe, shamed, or judged. 

Really, in each of these situations, it came back to me, who was constantly doling out the harsh judgment and shame that I was feeling. And that very judgment that I continued to put on myself for having experiences and acting on my desires led me to the palpable fear that my therapist would think that if I shared my deepest thoughts with them that, I was disgusting, too much, a bad person, or tainted. When in reality, my therapists in these situations repeatedly showed up for me, giving me the ability to talk about whatever it was that I needed to when I was ready to do so.

Talking about BDSM and the Kink community with my therapist helped reduce the shame I had around sex overall, and talking about sex.

One thing that has made me feel more comfortable talking about sex on a broader level with my therapist, as opposed to just avoiding it completely, was starting by breaching the topic of BDSM and kink in my life first. 

I didn't consciously use it as a shock tactic, but it was as if the acceptance by my therapist for something I had deemed the most wildly inappropriate meant that the other judgments I held about myself and my needs that didn't seem as extreme were moot. By starting off with something that felt super extreme and was not readily accepted by society as a whole and seeing my therapists easily take it in stride and not judge me for it proved to me that they could handle all of me on a deeper level. 

So yes, in hindsight, this was most likely me testing my therapists to an extent, but also proving to me that my therapist was not judging me or holding anything against me. These conversations led to deeper trust between me and my therapists in the long run. 

Having a safe space to be wholly me was very needed and so welcome.

What I've learned over time, is that having a safe place for me to just be completely myself is absolutely necessary to my life. Whether that is having outward emotions like crying, talking about my sex life, or sharing my various wins of the week, having space for all of these things to be held and accepted is one of the most affirming experiences. And I do wholeheartedly welcome this space into my day-to-day, week-to-week life because I am worthy of doing so and also super deserving of it. And also, having a therapist who was capable of creating a safe space like this for me is priceless, honestly.

Trusting a safe person, like your therapist, with shameful topics can reduce or relieve the shame you're feeling.

All of this to say that if there's someone in your life, therapist or not, who you feel like you could begin to trust with the topics that make you feel shame or fear or like the odd one out, I invite you to try it out. Especially if they're your therapist. They are there to hold that space for you in all the capacities of yourself. And ultimately, fostering a safe, affirming, and accepting relationship with your therapist will lead to you having the capacity and the capability to share your needs and desires with current and future partners. 

And it will also lead to you being able to have those conversations with yourself as well. Because even if we think that we're only closing off others, oftentimes we are also not being open and honest with ourselves either. And giving ourselves space to practice the skills of being trusting and open with others really helps us be open and honest with ourselves, too.

If you're looking for other articles I've written for QueerPsych, you can find them here! Or, if you want to talk more about this topic, I'd be happy to chat with you in my DMs on Instagram. You can find me at @thefriendineverwanted.