As I am writing about pleasure and sexual intimacy for LGBTQ+ folx for the amazing

QueerPsych, I feel like I’m living a world of strange polarities.

On the one hand, today is November 8th, 2024 and I’m still processing the unknown next steps of an upcoming presidency and political system determined to harm and disempower LGBTQ+ folx, BIPOC folx, women*, immigrants, differently able folx, and so many more. I feel tender knots in my stomach and tension ringing like bells in my shoulders and back. Fear doesn’t fully cover how scary the unknown is for me and for others.

On the other side of my nervousness is gratitude as I listen to Chappell Roan and write for an amazing queer organization. I feel so cared for and connected by my LGBTQ+ community and incredibly proud to be queer especially in the midst of the unknown. There is beauty in me holding both sides and knowing I’m not holding both alone.

Sometimes pleasure and sexual intimacy feel like these ends of the spectrum (maybe not as extreme or maybe so!): a leap into the uncertainty of so many questions: what happens if I ask my partner if they would be interested in this? What if I get overwhelmed by something I enjoy?

What does enjoying my body look like when I’m still figuring out my queerness? If this is you, come back to your breath, come back to the room you are in, feel your feet on the floor. You are not alone and we’ll explore together tangible next steps to dismantle your fears and trust in your pleasure. You got this, feel your heartbeat, and let’s dive in.

Please note: these questions are inspired by my studies of Colorado therapist Melissa Walker’s Somatic Sex Therapy Training. Please check out her work especially her book Whole-Body Sex as an additional resource on your pleasure and sexual intimacy journey.

Here are five questions we’ll explore your queerness, pleasure, and sexual intimacy:

1. How do I know when my body feels safe enough?

2. How do I know when my body experiences pleasure in a non-sexual context?

3. How do I know when my body feels pleasure in a sexual context?

4. Where can my challenges with my queer identity start to gently move towards pleasure?

5. Where can I open up to my relationships and community for support, guidance, and celebration?

Pause here and check in with your body and notice any sensations. Meet your sensations with softness and know you can always take breaks, revisit, and move at your own pace.

When you’re ready, let’s unpack more around these questions:

1. How do I know when my body feels safe enough?

Noticing when your body feels safe enough might feel difficult to hone in on, especially if you’ve experienced trauma (which I would venture to say we all have) and in living in many systems of oppression. With these in mind, I would invite you to begin by noticing who and where you feel safe enough with. Maybe it’s a close friend or loved one. Maybe it’s when you’re taking a bath or hiking in the mountains. When you are in those spaces (or when you imagine them), start to notice your body. Maybe you’re breathing slower and deeper. Maybe your muscles soften. Maybe you feel warmth in your chest, tenderness in your heart, ease in your bones. You can journal or create voice memos to yourself to notice your patterns and build your awareness of the following questions from there.

2. How do I know when my body experiences pleasure in a non-sexual context?

Similarly to the first question, my invitation to you is to notice different times and experiences where you feel safe enough and start to add in what pleasure feels like in your body. Maybe when you’re taking a bath, you notice the warm sensation of the water and you feel relaxed. Maybe when you’re hiking, you listen to the sounds of the birds chirping and you feel excitement and curiosity. It is an addition to feeling safe enough because now you are discovering what pleasure feels like in the present moment. Similarly, you might journal or leave yourself voice notes to record themes that you experience related to feeling pleasure in your body in a non-sexual context.

3. How do I know when my body feels pleasure in a sexual context?

Now that you have a more solid foundation for noticing your body feeling safe enough and where you feel pleasure in a non-sexual context, let’s move into where you notice your body’s pleasurable sensations in a sexual context. A step I would encourage is creating solo pleasure practices. These can be anything from taking a bath and noticing the feeling of putting lotion or body oil on your body, imagining the feeling of being in nature as you invite in sensual touch to your body, to anything that feels sexual in your context with yourself. The key here is starting to bridge the safe enough experiences of your non-sexual contexts to your sexual contexts with yourself. Again, feel free to write down or leave yourself voice memos about your experiences.

4. Where can my challenges with my queer identity start to gently move towards pleasure?

Before adding in the context of your relationship(s), your friends with benefits, your

situationship (you get the idea), it’s important to add on your understanding of what feels challenging about your queer identity with the previous three steps. If you feel totally comfortable in your queer identity, feel free to skip this step! Otherwise, I would encourage you to think about one part of your queer identity that you are working on. Maybe it’s feeling gender euphoria when you’re enjoying sexual intimacy. Maybe it’s working up the courage to ask out your queer crush. Maybe it’s honouring your queer identity within yourself or in relationships. Once you have an idea of what you want to focus on, imagine this challenging aspect in your body and feel any somatic (body) sensations for up to five breaths. Then, stay with this image as you imagine pleasure in your body based on these previous three steps.

You’re connecting what feels comfortable with what you have learned is supportive and pleasurable for you. Over time, you might begin to notice resourcing yourself with what feels safe enough and pleasurable with your edges with your queer identity. You might imagine dressing in a gender affirming way for you after taking a bath. You might imagine the feeling of asking out your crush when you’re taking a hike. My encouragement for you here is just to notice. There’s nothing you have to do, you’re just learning how to start feeling safer and pleasurable in your edges. Take your time and go back to the first three steps as desired.

5. Where can I open up to my relationships and community for support, guidance, and celebration?

Once you’ve explored these previous four steps, I would invite you to start to bring your relationships and community into your pleasure journey. This step is for you to feel connected, supported, and collaborative in your pleasure and relationships. Maybe you share with your partner(s) that baths support you in feeling safe enough to explore more uncomfortable aspects of gender affirmation and sexual intimacy. Maybe you invite your crush on a hike and notice the excitement and curiosity in the present moment with someone. This last step loops within the previous four steps as integration and continuous exploration. You can imagine this step as a way to bring your pleasure journey to your relationships for reflection, deepening in relationships, and celebrating your queerness, pleasure, and sexual intimacy.

While these are steps you can explore by yourself, my invitation is to bring these questions to your therapist, coach, and/or counselor for relational support with your journey.

There is something deeply impactful about having relational connections to process, integrate and celebrate your pleasure journey. If you’re looking for a therapist or coach, please reach out via QueerPsych and let’s connect more in your pleasure journey. Thank you for reading and your queerness, pleasure, and sexual intimacy are meaningful and beautiful.

Rebecca Guidera, MA, LPC

She/They

Owner and Therapist: Liminality Counseling

https://www.rebeccaguidera.com/

Similar Blogs on QueerPsych