One of the main reasons why I ended up choosing to see a therapist who doesn’t share many identities with me and actually holds privilege in many identities where I do not is multi-layered.

But ultimately, it was because at the time, in 2020, I was specifically looking for someone who specialized in EMDR and trauma processing who would have the background to help me work through my years of trauma, but in addition to that, I do live in a state, Nebraska, that is not very diverse, and so there aren’t many therapists of color, fat therapists, or queer therapists that I knew of. I didn't have access to therapists who shared my multiple marginalized identities or, at the time, even ones who were capable of holding space and affirming me in my own identities. 

Also, over the past four years, I have expanded and evolved in relation to my gender, body size, and the understanding of my racial background in many ways. I truly needed a therapist who would be capable of evolving alongside me while also continuing to hold that space and validate me in my identities–even if she didn’t hold them herself. 

Learning My Pronouns and Using Them Diligently

The first thing that my therapist has done that has given me the space to feel affirmed and validated is learning and using my pronouns–all the time, no matter what. When I first started seeing my therapist, I was not aware of how my gender identity would evolve, and at the time, I didn’t have the words to even explain what non-binary meant. 

So, when I  discovered my current gender identity around 2021 and 2022, we had several conversations about what gender meant to me, how I identified, and what I wanted my experiences to look like moving forward. And a large part of that was changing my pronouns from she/her to they/them. 

From then on, she has used my pronouns diligently. There have, of course, been slip-ups and missteps because we are human, but she has caught them and corrected them. Not burdening me with her mistakes. Even when I have had to bring up difficult conversations about the ways in which I want my gender acknowledged and my pronouns used, she has never shied away from it. 

Keeping up to date on what's going on in the world and allowing me the space to process it

One very important way that my therapist makes me feel affirmed in our sessions–especially in regard to my racial identity– is that she keeps up to date on what is happening in the world and events that may trigger me as a person of color, and supports me in taking up space in our therapy sessions to process it if I want to. I never feel like I am bringing a cloud of darkness into the room, making things harder, or bringing up challenging topics unnecessarily. She is always open to talking about how I'm feeling in relation to being Black in America or being a nonbinary person in the world, or how being fat affects my accessibility in society. There's always space and room for those feelings and those concerns. 

Not saying she “understands” where I'm coming from in relation to my life experience with my marginalized identities

My therapist also doesn’t say that she “understands where I'm coming from” in relation to my marginalized identities. Sure, she is always available to hold space for my experiences and listen to what’s coming up for me, but there's never the statement that she can understand exactly what I’m going through or the invalidating rhetoric that would accompany those comments. Honestly, I'm even more grateful for this because I didn't have to teach this to her. 

Listening and Working to Repair Any Ruptures that Occur In Our Sessions

Lastly, one of the most important ways that my therapist shows up in how she affirms me and my identities is when there is a rupture or if I am feeling any sort of tension about something that has come up in our therapy sessions, I feel encouraged to bring it up. When this has happened previously, she listens to me and then helps me explore the ways in which to repair the rupture that has occurred. There is no one in my personal history that is as dedicated to repairing the ruptures that have occured in our relationship as my therapist. And also, as a result, my therapist, has taught me what healthy confrontation and communication is and how to bring up my reservations or concerns in other relationships where there has been a rupture or other harm done.

All in all, I think it's very important that we, as marginalized people with marginalized identities, are able to find validation and support in our therapy sessions regardless of the identites that our therapist holds. Especially given the inherent power dynamic that occurs in therapy sessions. But because we don't always have the option to see a therapist who matches us in our marginalized identities, we really have to sometimes work with what we're given.

The ability to find affirmation and belonging in an unexpected but necessary space, is so important. So,, if you are a person with a marginalized identity who is struggling to find a therapist who matches that identity, I would first say to keep looking if you feel inclined, but also know that you can find safety and therapeutic support in someone who you didn’t originally expect to meet your needs. But being able to articulate what you need and desire in you therapy provider will help you to know when you’ve found it.

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If you're looking for other articles I've written for QueerPsych, you can find them here! Or, if you want to talk more about this topic, I'd be happy to chat with you in my DMs on Instagram. You can find me at @thefriendineverwanted.